So far viewers smiled or laughed this site. No one cried yet - unless the jokes are on you!
Subject: Beijing Olympics -funny
Sent: Thursday, August 28, 2008 4:43 PM
Well, after watching Beijing Olympics on TV for 10 days, I know some Chinese languages now .
Here. learn some... it's great(" fa kin su pa") when you travel in China in the future or Chinese
will colonize the whole world....watch out!
Learn Chinese in 10 days
You should read them aloud to really learn them)
That's not right! Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man Dum Fuk
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone! No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great Fa Kin Su Pa
GirL: m0m bk8 sumisikip bra q 2wing nkkta q ung kLasm8 q n gwap0?
M0m: hyaan m0 anak. Hwag ka mgsu0t ng bra bukas pRa yung brief nman nya ang sumikip!
JingOm beLs! JingOm beLs! JingOm alL the way. O daspan, Elecktrik pan, KaldEro kag
Pinggan.. hey.! advans Mery CHRISTmas!.. Don't 4get my xmas gift..
A guy stopped at a farmhouse 4 d nyt.
Farmer:Sori,we dnt hv a vcant room,bt i cn let u sleep w/ my daughtr f u promise nt 2 tuch her.He agreed.He wnt nsyd d dark rum,undressd &lay in2 d bed. Den d daughtr sed,"pls embrace me" Guy:i cnt!I promisd ur father nt 2 tuch u Daughter:Pls,I'm gettng cold! Guysigh)Ok den. Nxt morning he paid hs bill &sed,"ur daughtr ws very cold" Farmer:I knw.She's been dead 4 2days!
In a jampacked MRT...
Lady:Mr, ur 'Thing' is pressing my butt.
Mr: Sori, dat's my pay enveLope.
Lady: I feel it getting bigger!
Mr: It's this damn INFLATiON.
Msg: man & wife having sexman: luv, dumaing ka naman para ganahan ako
!wife: honeeyy! aahh! ala naa tayoo bigaasss! ahhh! saka pambayad sa kurryeentee at tubiggg, ahhh! walaaa naa rinnnn tayooooong mautangan, ahhhh! ibaon mo pahhhh ako sa utannnnnng! ahhh! ginanahan ka ba?
A lawyer c0nfused abt his math askd his secrtary:If i giv u $3M less 17%, hw mch wud u take 0ff?
Sec: Evrytng sir! Dress, bra, panty - all d way! (?._,?)
22l0g k na?Iba2 m0h muna ung ba2eng nksbit s kisame, itim n ang mata eh,ung bata s my paanan m0h,knkagat n binti m0, ikiss m0h n ng gudnyt.Pgbuksan m0h ung mtandang my pak2nkdungaw s bntana m0h, knina p yan.0h ung nkhga s tbi m0h, ausin m0h ang bar0ng...cge 2l0g nah...switdrims!
Alam mo? Naikwento kta sa puntod ni lolo sbi ko, ikaw ung pinakmabait kng ka TEXT, aBa! akaLain mO? sumagot.."Hayaan mo aPo, ddLawin ko sya ngayong GABI." Ang buhay ay parang "HOLIDAY"Pg masaya ka "PASKO"Pg nagdadalamhati ka"HOLYWEEK"Pg umiibig ka"VALENTINES DAY"Pg tumingin ka sa salamin"HALLOWEEN na!"
BREAKING NEWS:Glorietta bombing solved. Two Japanese nationals arrested. Police identified them as HAKA-HAKA and KURO-KURO.
CENSUS: Mrs, ilan po anaknyo?BABAE: 13 ho!CENSUS: dami pla, d po b kyo gumagamitng condom,pills, rhythm o widrwal?
BABAE: ay hindi,TITI LNG TLGA! Hehe
GMA flying w/her family in a plane:GMA: wat if i throw a checque 4 a milli0n pesos out d window t0 make at least 0ne filipin0 hapi?Mike: but my dear,why d0nt u throw 2 cheques 4 half a milli0n each,& thus make 2 filipin0s hapi?Luli: why n0t thr0w 4 checques 4 a quarter of a milli0n each,& make 4 filipin0s hapi?& 0n it went until finaly, her grandchild blurts out:"but grandma, y n0t simply throw urslf out of d wind0w and mke ol d filipin0s happy."
Hay nako!Kasi naman! Kukuha na lang ng bayarang BOMBER eh BINGI pa ang kinuha! Ang utos ay pasabugin c GLORIA, hindi GLORIETTA! Palpak tuloy!Pasaway!
Hey, i'm selling orig. Lacoste t-shirt 4 only P150!Pero ang buwaya...Mamaak ug totoy...but dont woRi.. Tilapan man nya una!hehehe
HUSBANDay,gikan kosa GSIS..Pakita nakoako puti buhokapprove dayonakong pension!WIFE:Pakita untanimo imongOTIN parakubra pud ka disability!!
MODERN0NG SALAWIKAIN"Natuto kang lumandi magtiis ka sa hapdi""nasa kama ang sarap, nasa ospital ang hrap""kapag libog ang pinairal sira ang pag aaral""walang pangit sa titing galit""pangit man daw at maliit sa paningin, nakakabuntis din""mahapdi man sa unang tikim,luluwang at luluwang din"
New definition of Husband...That useless creature attached to the ever popular, lovable and hard working PENIS! :-)
Nindot gyudning virgin:makapadasigsa hunahuna;makapabatasa pagbati;makapasinaw sanag-ugangpamanit.I've beenusing itonce a week!VIRGINCOCONUT OIL!
Penis s dgr8estvLue meaLevrac0rdng 2d0ct0rs!bcz iths amushrum head,hotd0g,2eggs&cream 2 pr0viDenutrients thusmking Ladieshealthy.. :-)
SAKRiSTAN: Padre, may libangan din b kyong mga pari?PARi: Oo namn. Tuwing hapon, ngmamahjong kami.S: Eh, ba't Mahjong?P: Kc, d2 lng kmi nakkasalat ng Flower!
Sexy facts of life : Fate is like getting raped-If you can't fight it,learn to enjoy it.Work is like a gang bang-Ten people are behind your ass to take your place.Education is like hiring a prostitute-It needs both money and hard work.Success is like masturbation-Only your own hand can let you achieve it..ÜGud m0wnin!
Special Prayer for Gloria Macapagal Arroyo:Aba Naman GLORIA Puno Ka Na ng GRASYA! Ang YAMAN ng BANSA Ay SUMAIYO Na.Sa HUSAY ni GARCI Naging Pekeng PANGULO Ka! Bukod Kang MANDARAYA sa Babaeng lahat.pinagpala ring MANGKURAK0T, ASAWA M0'T ANAK, kayat wala ng natira sa AMEN!i-Pasa sa lahat ng pilipino..
WIFE:"Love, d memk2Log!Sex mKo!"HUSBA¡D$"Shit! iniins0mniannmn puki m?!?"..an0 plgay m stiti ko? sleepingpills? pambihira!Hala hubad! gagamutin ko!
wishing u a seductive& hornyevening,lickedbyluv&penetratedw/heavenlygraces..mayallurproblemsbeejaculatedb4 d climaxof d nytHaV a SeXY dream!Ü
Erap to Cardinal Rosales: Cards, hangga ngayon galit pa
simbahan sa akin. This is unfair!
Cardinal Rosales: Bakit mo naman nasabi yan, Erap?
Erap: Tignan 'nyo Cards, mayroong sabado de GLORIA, mayroong
Sagrado de CORAZON at
mayroon ding Linggo de RAMOS, Bakit ako wala? Naging presidente
din naman ako, ah.
Cardinal Rosales: O sige na nga, Erap. Para wala kanang reklamo
mula ngayon sa iyo na iyang
New Year odds and ends
Why Am I Married?
Your have two choices in life. (A)
You can stay single and be miserable. Or (B) you get married – and wish you were dead.
At a party, one lady asked the other: “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” “Yes,” she replied. “I married the wrong man.”
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then, she is finished.
The little boy asked his father: “Papa. How much does it cost to get married?” And the father said: “I don’t know son. I’m still paying the bills.”
Looking up from her geography book, the young girl asked: “Is it true Papa that in some parts of Africa, a man does not know his wife until he marries her?” The father replied. “That happens in every country, hija.”
Then, this lady admitted: “I never knew real happiness until I got married. And by then, it was too late.”
Just think. If it were not for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Here is “A Wife’s Prayer”: “Lord. I pray for wisdom – to understand a man; for love – to forgive him his trespasses; for patience -- to accommodate his moods. But I do not ask for strength, Lord. Because I might just trash him to death.”
As 2008 begins, a friend has sent in some “Morons of 2007." Can you top these?
Moron #1: A frantic man phoned the hospital. “My wife is pregnant. Her contractions are now only two minutes apart.” “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No!” the man shouted. “This is her husband!” Huh?
Moron #2: Police got a robbery suspect who couldn't zipper his lips. The cops asked seven suspects in the station lineup: “Repeat the words: 'Give me your money or I'll shoot.'” This man protested, “That's not what I said!” Come again.
Moron #3: American Telephone & Telegraph Co. fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Will the real dummy stand up please?
Moron #4: This man was arrested for using a thumb and fingers, to simulate a gun, to hold up a bank without a weapon. But he pulled his hand out of a pocket to receive cash from the teller. Bingo!
Moron #5: This man kidnapped a motorist then forced his victim to drive to two different automated teller machines. There, the kidnapper withdrew money -- from his own bank accounts. What was Plan B again?
Moron #6: Despite power they poured on, their brand new speedboat wouldn’t budge. After an hour, they got a mechanic who checked and found everything – from engine to ballast – in perfect working condition. So a diver plunged in to check the keel.
Now, remember: this is a true story. Under the boat, the diver found the trailer, still securely strapped.
A professor-friend sent this “lesson in corporate economics.” Where does the Philippines fit in?
French Corporation: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three. You have lunch with wine. Life is good.
Italian: You also have two cows. But you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
Japanese Corporation: You have two cows. You redesign them so they’re a tenth the size of an ordinary cow. They produce 20 times more milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most top their class at cow school.
Russian: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you now have five. You have more vodka and count again. You find there are 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over what cows you really have.
Happy New Year 2008!
HUSBANDS FOR SALE - after the big holidays!!!!
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City
, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates:
"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
FLOOR 1 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign
FLOOR 2 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS AND LOVE KIDS.
"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."
So she continues upward. Â The third floor sign reads:
FLOOR 3 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS, LOVE KIDS, AND ARE EXTREMELY GOOD LOOKING. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
FLOOR 4 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS, LOVE KIDS, ARE DROP-DEAD GOOD LOOKING AND HELP WITH THE HOUSEWORK.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
FLOOR 5 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS, LOVE KIDS, ARE DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS, HELP WITH HOUSEWORK, AND HAVE A STRONG ROMANTIC STREAK.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
FLOOR 6 - YOU ARE VISITOR 31,456,012 TO THIS FLOOR. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
From: Somerdyk, Beth
Sent: Tuesday, August 30, 2005 10:21 AM
To: Abanilla, Long; Diaz, Jeysy
Subject: FW: Catholic Parrots
>A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one
>thing. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' "
>"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
>"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
>Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and
>worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase in no time."
>"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
>The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage
>holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried
>out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
>There was stunned silence.
>Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
From: Betty Lerias [mailto:email@example.com]
Sent: Thursday, September 01, 2005 11:04 AM
Betty A. Lerias
Tel # (650) 593-8100 x107
Fax # (650) 551-0290
A Filipino doctor has introduced the use of a device that enlarges a
sex organ by up to 5 times with no side effects. It's called a
Mare: Di yata nagustuhan ni Pare ang birthday gift mo ah?
Mrs: Oo nga,7 months na di pa rin ginagamit.
Mare: Bakit, ano ba regalo mo sa kanya?
Mrs: Memorial Plan.
Pedro: Galing ako sa doktor, nakabili na ako ng hearing aid. Grabe!ang
linaw na ng pandinig ko!
Juan: Talaga?! Magkano bili mo?
Pedro: Kahapon lang.
Confident Vs. Confidential
Anak: Itay, ano kaibahan ng confident sa confidential?
Itay: Anak kita, CONFIDENT ako dyan. Yung bestpren mong si Tikboy, anak
ko rin, CONFIDENTIAL yan.
Mrs: Ano ba? Two days na tayong kasal, 'la pa rin.
Mr: Kasi pagod ako.
Mrs: Sige ka, pag ayaw mo maghahanap ako ng lalaki.
Mr: Sige, gawin mong dalawa, tig isa tayo!
Judge: Ikaw nanaman! Sampung taon ka nang dito humaharap sa korte ko,
Swindler: Your honor, hindi ko kasalanan kung hindi po kayo ma-promote.
dumating si ngongo sa bahay at tinakpan ang eyes ni misis....
Ngongo: "nges hu?"....
MRS: gago!!!! pa-nges hu nges hu ka pa jan....e ikaw lng ngongo d2!
ATTY: Inday! pwede mo bng idiscribe d2 sa korte ang taong nangrape sayo?
INDAY: maitim, panot, tagyawatin, pango ilong at bungal...
SUSPEK: Sige!...mangasar ka pa!!!!
Dalawang Sira ulo ....
Sira 1: Magaling ka na ba?
Sira 2: Oo naman!!!
Sira 1: Talaga?...kaya mo bng 2mawid sa ilaw ng flashlight ko?
Sira 2: Ano ko sira? e pano kung patayin mo flashlyt mo?...e d nalaglag
TEACHER and BOY
TEACHER: Anong mangyayari pag puputulin ang 1 mong tenga?
BOY: hihina po pandinig ko.
TEACHER: e kung dalawang tenga?
BOY: lalabo po paningin ko!
TEACHER: baket naman?
BOY: malalaglag po salamin ko.
Subject: FW: Pinoy sa Walmart
Date: Wed, 06 Jul 2005 11:29:16 -0700
A Filipino Applies for a Job at Wal-Mart.
An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to
fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four
people who were equally qualified... An American, a Russian, an Australian
and a Filipino. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one
question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging Dave, the American on his right, the man replied, " A
It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's
just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!"
replied the interviewer.
"And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir, the Russian.
"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it
ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular cliché for speed."
He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the
fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had
found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.
Turning to Eleuterio, the Filipino, the fourth andfinal man, the interviewer
posed the same question. Eleuterio replied, " Apter herring da 3 frevyos
ansers sirrr, et's obyus to me dat da fastest ting known is Diarrhea."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by theresponse.
"O I can expleyn serrr ." said Eleuterio . " YOU SEE SERR, DA other day I
wasn't peeeling so good and I run soo fast to the CR or bathroom, But,
before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, ay'tang ina, I already
had a big tae, ka-ka or poo-poo in my pants.
Eleuterio is now the new "Greeter" at Wal-Mart.