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Subject: Beijing Olympics -funny

Sent: Thursday, August 28, 2008 4:43 PM


 


 

 

 

 

 Well, after watching  Beijing Olympics  on TV for 10 days, I know some Chinese languages now . 

 

Here.  learn some...   it's great(" fa kin su pa")  when you travel in China in the future or Chinese

 will colonize the whole world....watch out! 

Learn Chinese in  10 days  

 
You should read them aloud to really learn them)
 
 English                                           Chinese

That's not right!                     
                         Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive?    
                   Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP  
                                               Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man                  
                                   Dum Fuk

Small Horse                   
                               Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?        
                         Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table!  
                        Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift!        
                     Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here!              
                       Wai So Dim

I thought you were on a diet!      
                    Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone!        
                         No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week!         Wai Yu Kum Nao  

Staying out of sight              
                          Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile  
                         Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor
is offensive                           Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great                  
                                             Fa Kin Su Pa
 

 

 

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GirL: m0m bk8 sumisikip bra q 2wing nkkta q ung kLasm8 q n gwap0?
M0m: hyaan m0 anak. Hwag ka mgsu0t ng bra bukas pRa yung brief nman nya ang sumikip!

JingOm beLs! JingOm beLs! JingOm alL the way. O daspan, Elecktrik pan, KaldEro kag
Pinggan.. hey.! advans Mery CHRISTmas!.. Don't 4get my xmas gift..

A guy stopped at a farmhouse 4 d nyt.
Farmer:Sori,we dnt hv a vcant room,bt i cn let u sleep w/ my daughtr f u promise nt 2 tuch her.He agreed.He wnt nsyd d dark rum,undressd &lay in2 d bed. Den d daughtr sed,"pls embrace me" Guy:i cnt!I promisd ur father nt 2 tuch u Daughter:Pls,I'm gettng cold! Guysigh)Ok den. Nxt morning he paid hs bill &sed,"ur daughtr ws very cold" Farmer:I knw.She's been dead 4 2days!

In a jampacked MRT...
Lady:Mr, ur 'Thing' is pressing my butt.
Mr: Sori, dat's my pay enveLope.
Lady: I feel it getting bigger!
Mr: It's this damn INFLATiON.

Msg: man & wife having sexman: luv, dumaing ka naman para ganahan ako
!wife: honeeyy! aahh! ala naa tayoo bigaasss! ahhh! saka pambayad sa kurryeentee at tubiggg, ahhh! walaaa naa rinnnn tayooooong mautangan, ahhhh! ibaon mo pahhhh ako sa utannnnnng! ahhh! ginanahan ka ba?

A lawyer c0nfused abt his math askd his secrtary:If i giv u $3M less 17%, hw mch wud u take 0ff?
Sec: Evrytng sir! Dress, bra, panty - all d way! (?._,?)

22l0g k na?Iba2 m0h muna ung ba2eng nksbit s kisame, itim n ang mata eh,ung bata s my paanan m0h,knkagat n binti m0, ikiss m0h n ng gudnyt.Pgbuksan m0h ung mtandang my pak2nkdungaw s bntana m0h, knina p yan.0h ung nkhga s tbi m0h, ausin m0h ang bar0ng...cge 2l0g nah...switdrims!

Alam mo? Naikwento kta sa puntod ni lolo sbi ko, ikaw ung pinakmabait kng ka TEXT, aBa! akaLain mO? sumagot.."Hayaan mo aPo, ddLawin ko sya ngayong GABI." Ang buhay ay parang "HOLIDAY"Pg masaya ka "PASKO"Pg nagdadalamhati ka"HOLYWEEK"Pg umiibig ka"VALENTINES DAY"Pg tumingin ka sa salamin"HALLOWEEN na!"

BREAKING NEWS:Glorietta bombing solved. Two Japanese nationals arrested. Police identified them as HAKA-HAKA and KURO-KURO.

CENSUS: Mrs, ilan po anaknyo?BABAE: 13 ho!CENSUS: dami pla, d po b kyo gumagamitng condom,pills, rhythm o widrwal?
BABAE: ay hindi,TITI LNG TLGA! Hehe

GMA flying w/her family in a plane:GMA: wat if i throw a checque 4 a milli0n pesos out d window t0 make at least 0ne filipin0 hapi?Mike: but my dear,why d0nt u throw 2 cheques 4 half a milli0n each,& thus make 2 filipin0s hapi?Luli: why n0t thr0w 4 checques 4 a quarter of a milli0n each,& make 4 filipin0s hapi?& 0n it went until finaly, her grandchild blurts out:"but grandma, y n0t simply throw urslf out of d wind0w and mke ol d filipin0s happy."

Hay nako!Kasi naman! Kukuha na lang ng bayarang BOMBER eh BINGI pa ang kinuha! Ang utos ay pasabugin c GLORIA, hindi GLORIETTA! Palpak tuloy!Pasaway!

Hey, i'm selling orig. Lacoste t-shirt 4 only P150!Pero ang buwaya...Mamaak ug totoy...but dont woRi.. Tilapan man nya una!hehehe

HUSBANDay,gikan kosa GSIS..Pakita nakoako puti buhokapprove dayonakong pension!WIFE:Pakita untanimo imongOTIN parakubra pud ka disability!!

MODERN0NG SALAWIKAIN"Natuto kang lumandi magtiis ka sa hapdi""nasa kama ang sarap, nasa ospital ang hrap""kapag libog ang pinairal sira ang pag aaral""walang pangit sa titing galit""pangit man daw at maliit sa paningin, nakakabuntis din""mahapdi man sa unang tikim,luluwang at luluwang din"


New definition of Husband...That useless creature attached to the ever popular, lovable and hard working PENIS! :-)

Nindot gyudning virgin:makapadasigsa hunahuna;makapabatasa pagbati;makapasinaw sanag-ugangpamanit.I've beenusing itonce a week!VIRGINCOCONUT OIL!

Penis s dgr8estvLue meaLevrac0rdng 2d0ct0rs!bcz iths amushrum head,hotd0g,2eggs&cream 2 pr0viDenutrients thusmking Ladieshealthy.. :-)

SAKRiSTAN: Padre, may libangan din b kyong mga pari?PARi: Oo namn. Tuwing hapon, ngmamahjong kami.S: Eh, ba't Mahjong?P: Kc, d2 lng kmi nakkasalat ng Flower!

Sexy facts of life : Fate is like getting raped-If you can't fight it,learn to enjoy it.Work is like a gang bang-Ten people are behind your ass to take your place.Education is like hiring a prostitute-It needs both money and hard work.Success is like masturbation-Only your own hand can let you achieve it..ÜGud m0wnin!

Special Prayer for Gloria Macapagal Arroyo:Aba Naman GLORIA Puno Ka Na ng GRASYA! Ang YAMAN ng BANSA Ay SUMAIYO Na.Sa HUSAY ni GARCI Naging Pekeng PANGULO Ka! Bukod Kang MANDARAYA sa Babaeng lahat.pinagpala ring MANGKURAK0T, ASAWA M0'T ANAK, kayat wala ng natira sa AMEN!i-Pasa sa lahat ng pilipino..

WIFE:"Love, d memk2Log!Sex mKo!"HUSBA¡D$"Shit! iniins0mniannmn puki m?!?"..an0 plgay m stiti ko? sleepingpills? pambihira!Hala hubad! gagamutin ko!

wishing u a seductive& hornyevening,lickedbyluv&penetratedw/heavenlygraces..mayallurproblemsbeejaculatedb4 d climaxof d nytHaV a SeXY dream!Ü
 

 


 

Erap to Cardinal Rosales: Cards, hangga ngayon galit pa ang
simbahan sa akin. This is unfair!

Cardinal Rosales: Bakit mo naman nasabi yan, Erap?

Erap: Tignan 'nyo Cards, mayroong sabado de GLORIA, mayroong
Sagrado de CORAZON at
mayroon ding Linggo de RAMOS, Bakit ako wala? Naging presidente
din naman ako, ah.

Cardinal Rosales: O sige na nga, Erap. Para wala kanang reklamo
mula ngayon sa iyo na iyang
ASS Wednesday!

 


 

New Year odds and ends

Why Am I Married?

Your have two choices in life. (A)

You can stay single and be miserable. Or (B) you get married – and wish you were dead.

At a party, one lady asked the other: “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” “Yes,” she replied. “I married the wrong man.”

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then, she is finished.

The little boy asked his father: “Papa. How much does it cost to get married?” And the father said: “I don’t know son. I’m still paying the bills.”

Looking up from her geography book, the young girl asked: “Is it true Papa that in some parts of Africa, a man does not know his wife until he marries her?” The father replied. “That happens in every country, hija.”

Then, this lady admitted: “I never knew real happiness until I got married. And by then, it was too late.”

Just think. If it were not for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Here is “A Wife’s Prayer”: “Lord. I pray for wisdom – to understand a man; for love – to forgive him his trespasses; for patience -- to accommodate his moods. But I do not ask for strength, Lord. Because I might just trash him to death.”

As 2008 begins, a friend has sent in some “Morons of 2007." Can you top these?

Moron #1: A frantic man phoned the hospital. “My wife is pregnant. Her contractions are now only two minutes apart.” “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No!” the man shouted. “This is her husband!” Huh?

Moron #2: Police got a robbery suspect who couldn't zipper his lips. The cops asked seven suspects in the station lineup: “Repeat the words: 'Give me your money or I'll shoot.'” This man protested, “That's not what I said!” Come again.

Moron #3: American Telephone & Telegraph Co. fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Will the real dummy stand up please?

Moron #4: This man was arrested for using a thumb and fingers, to simulate a gun, to hold up a bank without a weapon. But he pulled his hand out of a pocket to receive cash from the teller. Bingo!

Moron #5: This man kidnapped a motorist then forced his victim to drive to two different automated teller machines. There, the kidnapper withdrew money -- from his own bank accounts. What was Plan B again?

Moron #6: Despite power they poured on, their brand new speedboat wouldn’t budge. After an hour, they got a mechanic who checked and found everything – from engine to ballast – in perfect working condition. So a diver plunged in to check the keel.

Now, remember: this is a true story. Under the boat, the diver found the trailer, still securely strapped.

A professor-friend sent this “lesson in corporate economics.” Where does the Philippines fit in?

French Corporation: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three. You have lunch with wine. Life is good.

Italian: You also have two cows. But you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

Japanese Corporation: You have two cows. You redesign them so they’re a tenth the size of an ordinary cow. They produce 20 times more milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most top their class at cow school.

Russian: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you now have five. You have more vodka and count again. You find there are 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over what cows you really have.

Happy New Year 2008!

 

Watch the latest videos on YouTube.com


HUSBANDS FOR SALE - after the big holidays!!!!

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband.  Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

FLOOR 1 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign
reads:

FLOOR 2 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS AND LOVE KIDS.
"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. Â The third floor sign reads:

FLOOR 3 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS, LOVE KIDS, AND ARE EXTREMELY GOOD LOOKING. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

FLOOR 4 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS, LOVE KIDS, ARE DROP-DEAD GOOD LOOKING AND HELP WITH THE HOUSEWORK.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

FLOOR 5 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS, LOVE KIDS, ARE DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS, HELP WITH HOUSEWORK, AND HAVE A STRONG ROMANTIC STREAK.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

FLOOR 6 - YOU ARE VISITOR 31,456,012 TO THIS FLOOR. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:Â
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.



 


3 Wishes wahahaha

There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators, paranas, and many other things that could kill you. The host said that if anyone could swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant them 3 wishes.

Well, nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and doing that "party thing."

Suddenly, there was this big splash! The host looked and saw a man swimming to beat hell across the tank, and, lo and behold, he made it!

The host walked over to the man and said, "Alright, you made it, WOW!. What are your 3 wishes?" The man replied,

"First", you see that shotgun of yours? give it to me,
"Two", see those bullets over there? give me them.
"Three" show me the mother-fucker who pushed me in.

 


Short Management Course (fast forward)

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that
towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800
and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she
gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob
the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband
says, "did
he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"

Management lesson: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a
position to prevent avoidable exposure

Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Management lesson: If you are not well informed in your job, you
might miss a great opportunity

Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of
you just one wish."
Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff!
She's gone.

Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of
Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I
want those two back in the office after lunch."

Management lesson: Always let your boss have the first say

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you
and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get
to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the
energy."
Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the
bull.
They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management lesson: BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't
keep you there

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the
bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying
there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all
warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate
Following
the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
and
promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management lesson:

Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy.
Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend.
And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

 


......GOOD FAIRY

 


From: longab@illa.com
To: "Basuki, Ann" <BasukiA@libg.com>,
"Ruggero, Kathleen" <RuggeroK@ltravel.com>,
"Heuer, Liz" <HeuerL@libgol.com>,
"Mortellaro Castaneda, Suzanna" <CastanedaMorS@libgel.com>,
dewang@libgoel.com,
gorsec@libvel.com


Subject: Who is in charge?
 

BODY MEETING

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The a**hole is usually in charge.

 

Hey, guys:
Don't make fun of my illness, okay? Just giggle a litte bit.
Hope to see you by Aug 27th 2004

Longy(hospitalized on July 2004)

 


 

Subject: Women....

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST 
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. 
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
 
 
WOMEN'S REVENGE 
 
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally." 
 
 
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
 
             I know I'm not going to understand women.
      I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,  
and still be afraid of a spider. 
   
 
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
 
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and  whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
 
 
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
       A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. 
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
           balls and a ball of string on the counter.
    She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
      He answers, " You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent  my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
      and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
       papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
     So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
        ( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )
 
 
WIFE VS. HUSBAND 
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
 
 
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
 
 
    
CREATION 
   A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
       " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
   God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
 
 
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment.  Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.  
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight.  Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
 
 
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece. 

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

 

 

 

 

 

 

-----Original Message-----
From: Aigotti, Patricia
Sent: Thursday, November 17, 2005 10:08 AM
To: 304 Liberty Corporate Travel
Subject: FW: Thought you'd appreciate these.....

 

 

-----Original Message-----
From: Erica Carr [mailto:eacarr@in4web.com]
Sent: Tuesday, November 15, 2005 8:13 PM
To: Aigotti, Patricia
Subject: Thought you'd appreciate these.....

THEY RUN THE  COUNTRY?      Think the world is a scary place? Read this
and you will be terrified!!!! They run our country!

I have been a Travel Agent for thirty Years. This is why  we're in
trouble!

I had a New Hampshire  Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her
hair wouldn't get  messed up by being near the window.

********************

I got a call from a candidate's  staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I
started to explain the  length of the flight and the passport
information, then she  interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you
look stupid, but  Capetown is in
Massachusetts."

Without  trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained,
"
Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."

Her response (click).

****************

A senior Vermont Congressman called,  furious about a
Florida package we
did. I asked what  was wrong with the vacation in
Orlando. He said he was
expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible,
since
Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and  
Florida is a very
thin state!"

*******************

I got a call from a lawmaker's wife  who asked, "Is it possible to see
England from Canada?"

I said, "No."

She said, "But they look so close on the map."

 ******************************

An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car
in  
Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a
1-hour layover in
Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car,
he said, "I heard
Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to
drive between the gates to save time."

************************

An  Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it
was possible that her flight from
Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and got into
Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead
of
Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of  time zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she  bought that!

************************

A
New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your  physical
description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?"

I said, "No, why do you ask?"

She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on
my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight.   I think that is very
rude!"

After putting her on hold for a minute while I 'looked into it' (I was
actually  laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno,
CA is  (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on
her luggage.

************************

A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to  
Hawaii. After
going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to
California and then take the train to  Hawaii?"

**********************

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I
know which plane to get on?"

I asked  him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my
flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on
them."

**********************

A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to
Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I
have to get on one of those little computer planes?"

I asked if she meant fly to
Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.

She said, "Yeah, whatever!"

**********************************

A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed
in order to fly to
China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I
reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't.   I've been to
China
many times and never had to have one of  those."

I double checked and sure enough, his stay  required a visa. When I told
him this he said, "Look, I've  been to
China four times and every time
they have accepted my American Express!"

**********************

A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I  want to go
from
Chicago to Rhino, New York."

The agent was at a loss for words Finally, the agent said, "Are  you sure
that's the name of the town?"

"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady.

After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've
looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino
anywhere."

The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be  silly! Everyone knows where it is.
Check your map!"

The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally  offered,
"You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"

"That's it! I knew it was a big animal," she said.

**********************

Now you know why Government is in the shape that it's in!

 

 

 

 

 

-----Original Message-----
From: Somerdyk, Beth
Sent: Tuesday, August 30, 2005 10:21 AM
To: Abanilla, Long; Diaz, Jeysy
Subject: FW: Catholic Parrots

 

>A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one
>thing. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' "


>"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
>"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
>Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and
>worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase in  no time." 

 

>"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." 


>The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he
 ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage
>holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried
>out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
>
>There was stunned silence.
>

>

>

>
>Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"



 

 

 

 

-----Original Message-----
From: Betty Lerias [mailto:blerias@iasco.com]
Sent: Thursday, September 01, 2005 11:04 AM
 

 

 

Betty A. Lerias

Payroll Administrator

IASCO

Tel # (650) 593-8100 x107

Fax # (650) 551-0290

 

Pinoy ingenuity?

A Filipino doctor has introduced the use of a device that enlarges a

man's

sex organ by up to 5 times with no side effects. It's called a

MAGNIFYING GLASS.

 

Regalo

Mare: Di yata nagustuhan ni Pare ang birthday gift mo ah?

Mrs: Oo nga,7 months na di pa rin ginagamit.

Mare: Bakit, ano ba regalo mo sa kanya?

Mrs: Memorial Plan.

 

Hearing Aid

Pedro: Galing ako sa doktor, nakabili na ako ng hearing aid. Grabe!ang

linaw na ng pandinig ko!

Juan: Talaga?! Magkano bili mo?

Pedro: Kahapon lang.

 

Confident Vs. Confidential

Anak: Itay, ano kaibahan ng confident sa confidential?

Itay: Anak kita, CONFIDENT ako dyan. Yung bestpren mong si Tikboy, anak

ko rin, CONFIDENTIAL yan.

 

Pagod daw...

Mrs: Ano ba? Two days na tayong kasal, 'la pa rin.

Mr: Kasi pagod ako.

Mrs: Sige ka, pag ayaw mo maghahanap ako ng lalaki.

Mr: Sige, gawin mong dalawa, tig isa tayo!

 

Promotion

Judge: Ikaw nanaman! Sampung taon ka nang dito humaharap sa korte ko,

ha?

Swindler: Your honor, hindi ko kasalanan kung hindi po kayo ma-promote.

 

Ngongo

dumating si ngongo sa bahay at tinakpan ang eyes ni misis....

Ngongo: "nges hu?"....

MRS: gago!!!! pa-nges hu nges hu ka pa jan....e ikaw lng ngongo d2!

 

Rape Suspek

ATTY: Inday! pwede mo bng idiscribe d2 sa korte ang taong nangrape sayo?

INDAY: maitim, panot, tagyawatin, pango ilong at bungal...

SUSPEK: Sige!...mangasar ka pa!!!!

 

Dalawang Sira ulo ....

Sira 1: Magaling ka na ba?

Sira 2: Oo naman!!!

Sira 1: Talaga?...kaya mo bng 2mawid sa ilaw ng flashlight ko?

Sira 2: Ano ko sira? e pano kung patayin mo flashlyt mo?...e d nalaglag

pa ko!!!

 

TEACHER and BOY

TEACHER: Anong mangyayari pag puputulin ang 1 mong tenga?

BOY: hihina po pandinig ko.

TEACHER: e kung dalawang tenga?

BOY: lalabo po paningin ko!

TEACHER: baket naman?

BOY: malalaglag po salamin ko.

 

>Subject: FW: Women Rest Room
>Date:
Wed, 20 Jul 2005 02:02:40 -0400
>
>Subject: Women Rest Room
>
>In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made
>several attempts to get
>into the men's restroom, but it had always been
>occupied. A nurse
>noticed his predicament. Sir, she said, "You
>may use the ladies room
>if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on
>the wall."
>
>He did what he needed to, and as he sat there
>he noticed the buttons he
>had promised not to touch. Each button was
>identified by letters: WW,
>WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would
>know if he touched them?
>He couldn't resist.
>
>He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed
>gently upon his bottom. What a
>nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't
>have nice things like
>this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed
>the WA button. Warm air
>replaced the warm water, gently drying his
>underside.When this stopped,
>he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff
>caressed his bottom adding
>a fragile scent of spring! flowers to this
>unbelievable pleasure.
>
>The ladies restroom was more than a restroom,
>it is tender loving.
>When the powder puff completed, he couldn't
>wait to push the ATR button
>which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next
>thing he knew he opened
>his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse
>was staring down at him.
>
>"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I
>remember was pushing
>the ATR button. The nurse replied, "The button
>marked ATR is an
>Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is
>under your pillow."
>
>Men Never Listen

 

From: Betty Lerias [mailto:blerias@iasco.com]
Sent: Tuesday, September 06, 2005 10:55 AM
To: corbita4@comcast.net; Abanilla, Long; e2edonn@yahoo.com; Elizabeth Pulido; indayty@aol.com; Roy Panlilio; rrqueencity@yahoo.com; Sairel Pacho; corbita4@comcast.net
 

>Subject: Urinalysis
>
>
> > One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike standing
>behind him, "My elbow hurts like the devil. I guess I better see a Doctor."
> >
> >  "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "
>There's a diagnostic computer at the corner drugstore. Just give it a urine
>specimen and the computer will tell you what is wrong and what to do about
>it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars....a whole lot cheaper than
>going to a Doctor."
> >
> >  So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the
>drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for
>his urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds
>later, the computer ejects a printout.
> >
> > "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
>activity. It will improve in two weeks.
> >
> > Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
>Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
>water, a stool sample, from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
>daughter and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries
>back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars,
>pours in his concoction and awaits the results.
> > In ten seconds the computer prints the following:
> >   1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
> >   2. Your dog has ringworm. Bath him with anti fungal shampoo.
> >   3. Your daughter has a bad cocaine habit. get her into rehab.
> > 4. Your wife is pregnant....... twin girls. They are not yours. Get
>a lawyer.
> >   5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
>get better.
> >
 

Subject: FW: Pinoy sa Walmart
Date: Wed, 06 Jul 2005 11:29:16 -0700

A Filipino Applies for a Job at Wal-Mart.

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to
fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four
people who were equally qualified... An American, a Russian, an Australian
and a Filipino. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one
question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging Dave, the American on his right, the man replied, " A
THOUGHT".

It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's
just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!"
replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir, the Russian.

"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it
ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular cliché for speed."

He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the
fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had
found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to Eleuterio, the Filipino, the fourth andfinal man, the interviewer
posed the same question. Eleuterio replied, " Apter herring da 3 frevyos
ansers sirrr, et's obyus to me dat da fastest ting known is Diarrhea."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by theresponse.

"O I can expleyn serrr ." said Eleuterio . " YOU SEE SERR, DA other day I
wasn't peeeling so good and I run soo fast to the CR or bathroom, But,
before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, ay'tang ina, I already
had a big tae, ka-ka or poo-poo in my pants.

Eleuterio is now the new "Greeter" at Wal-Mart.

 

From: wliwan1221@aol.com [mailto:wliwan1221@aol.com]
Sent: Friday, May 27, 2005 4:03 PM


---------- Forwarded Message ----------
> TOGETHER AGAIN
> Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children.
> Soon after the last child is born her husband dies. A few weeks later
> she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children
> with her second husband. After the last child is born her second
> husband also dies. Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a
> third time. Unfortunately, she becomes very ill and dies.
> At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her
> coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, "At least, they're finally
> together."
> A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you
> mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"
> The priest says, "I mean her legs."
>


 

 

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